Table of Contents
After doing well for a handful of months, I relapsed yet again.
It hasn’t been that long since I slipped, but things progressed quick.
Context
Anxiety stemming from my new job was becoming unbearable, and the worst part is it’s all in my head.
I feel like I should be killing it at work already after just one month in an entirely new role, but that isn’t even expected of me yet. I’m learning the ropes still, I can’t expect to be a master at something without time and practice.
Because of this mounting anxiety, I picked up a couple tall cans of hard iced tea at the gas station next to the office. I drank one, went back in to work, came back to my car to pound another, and went back inside to attempt to do my job. Not only did it not take away my anxiety, it made me much worse at work.
In just the third week of my new job, I’m at my desk on the phone with potential customers slurring my words. Somehow, I don’t believe my manager took note of this, but I could tell that the people on the other end of the calls knew I wasn’t exactly the most clear headed, to say the least. Slurring through my sales pitch, I was constantly asked “What?”, “Who is this again?” Not a single inch of progress was made towards a sale.
Progression
After that first day, the floodgates were open. I just had to drink less, right? So I got more the next day and did the exact same thing. The anxiety was getting worse, and now I’m working in constant fear that someone will smell my breath or ask if I’m okay.
I did basically the same thing for the whole week, until I decided the following Monday that I should switch to taking 7-OH again instead. Bad move. I swore I’d never touch this shit again
I bought the 7-OH and did it daily in heavy amounts for the full week, which led me to my final great idea. I hit my friend/plug up for pressed methamphetamine tablets and he showed up to my work office to deliver 50 pills that Friday.
It has been 5 full days since picking up, and I still haven’t told a soul about what I’m doing to myself.
Solution?
My sober support system is there and ready to help when I need it. The problem is I struggle with recognizing when I’m trending towards a relapse, and don’t get completely honest about how I’m feeling until I’ve already made the decision.
It’s Wednesday today, and I have a weekly AA meeting to attend tomorrow night. If I ever want to get clean for good, it starts with getting honest with my peers in recovery about my continued use, even if I’m actively using. I plan on telling my sober friends tomorrow.
Another concern is staying clean and sober. I’ve gotten clean hundreds of times now, but can never last longer than a month, maybe two. The problem lies in my belief that if I quit the drugs and alcohol, all of my other problems will go away.
That’s simply not true.
I’ve been stagnant for so long because I don’t take the action necessary to foster growth and positive change. I sit still in sobriety until the “time is right” for implementing some changes in my habits and lifestyle, and before that time comes, I relapse. That perfect time to make changes was maybe a handful of days after quitting, when withdrawals have subsided and real life starts kicking in. Not over a month later while praying that I’ll get well enough to be financially stable, or to do better at work, or to be a better father or be happy.
None of these goals will happen while sitting still in my room scrolling Twitter for 3 hours. I can’t replace my drug addiction with food and snacks throughout the day, wasting money I earned through hard work.
I need to:
- Be honest with my brothers in recovery.
- Get completely clean and sober.
- Immediately take action to progress my life forward.
Nothing, and I mean nothing, will be handed to me on a silver platter.
Conclusion
Another important fact to remember is that I am not my addiction. I am a hard working, caring, loving, curious human being who has struggled with the disease of alcoholism and drug abuse.
I can’t keep putting my identity into a box based on my past mistakes. Separating myself from my drug use is the only way to finally realize that I can do this. I can be the man I strive to be. I’m not bound to this past full of grief and guilt, I can do better.
Anyway, I’m glad I have this anonymous blog to post ramblings I can’t share publicly with the world with my full name attached. Having a place to shout into the void without fear of judgement is important.